I recently drove past a corner that used to contain a very hip and trendy club with an evocative one-word name. It was Deep and then Lush and then I forget what it was, but it’s completely torn down now. I used to drive past it on Friday nights and recall long lines of near-perfect bodies wrapped in apparently expensive apparel waiting to be validated with entrance. I never went to that club or to the half a dozen evocative one-word clubs that preceded it in the exact same location over the last ten years. That’s the way Hollywood works in some circles. If you’re not new you’re dead. I always wanted to go into the club, but I have no patience to stand in line for things that I don’t eventually get to eat. But, I imagined on several occasions going into the club as a fly, or maybe like a robotic fly. Yeah, a robotic fly that has 10x zoom capability in my eyes and super directional hyper hearing. I dreamed of doing this not to listen to inane conversations that subreference fashions and programming that I reject without context or to laugh at the exorbitant amount of real money that a current smelling man would pay for a beverage that could be made at home for one tenth the price. No, it was not for snarkiness or judgment that I wished I could be in there, It was for clues. Clues to anything. I want any information to help me understand why I would never be accepted in that gloriously kempt environment. I wouldn’t even know how to communicate with people who would choose that club as a destination. It is so far and foreign from my desires. And, that, to some extent makes it exotic and fascinating. I’ve learned since middle school that there is no universal cool and that each person and group defines cool for themselves. It ebbs and morphs, but always remains at the core of what truly makes people happy. So, more than culture, politics and religion, I’m beginning to think that the most important thing you can learn about someone is what they find cool. A greater understanding of cool may be the key to a united humanity.
I am very excited about MTV. MTV? Did he say MTV? I know. I hear you. MTV hasn’t been socially or personally relevant since they abandoned music in the mid-nineties. But, secretly, in the dark place where I store my memorization of the lyrics of at least three full Pink Floyd albums, was a hope that one day Music Television would return to Music Television. Well, guess what? They haven’t. They’re doing something even better. Music Games! Later this year, MTV Games is planning to set-up a way for anyone to submit their songs for Rock Band. Aside from the fact that people WILL now FINALLY be able to personally FEEL the truth and power of that crappy folk rap I subjected the four people in the student union to in ’94, this is a great step for MTV and indie music. I love any action that puts the power of celebrity in the hands of the artists and their fans. I was thrilled last year when MC Frontalot and Jonathan Coulton got songs on Guitar Hero. It gave me a scary, unnerving feeling that the new media indie music scene has the potential for a massive societal impact. MTV Games Rock Band Network could be a great next step. If you are an indie artist I thoroughly encourage you to jump on this, in beta if possible. Get in there and figure it out. Move quickly and confidently. Embrace and evolve before the larger media companies have a chance to clutter the platform. Prepare your fanbase that it’s coming. MTV is showing some interest in music again and I think there are real creative and business opportunities for the ambitious early adopter. If we learn from the past and work toward the future everything will be a present.
If you are a BMW driver, I would like to take a brief moment to let you know that EVERYONE HATES YOU. They don’t hate your car, they hate you. If you think you’re an exception, you’re wrong. If you drive a BMW, every single non-BMW driver on the road thinks you’re an asshole. And they’re right, you are. There is some dark magical force that immediately transforms anyone who acquires a Beemer into a complete and utter tool. But I’m an optimist. I believe people can change, even total raging jerkfaces. So, in a spirit of helpfulness, here are a few tips and thoughts you might want to consider so that potentially, someday, everyone won’t want to shoot you in the face all of the time.
1. There are other people driving on the road.
2. A German car does not give you diplomatic immunity from the laws of common decency.
3. Your car is an amazing performance vehicle; you are not an amazing performance driver.
4. All models of BMW come equipped with both a right and left turn signals.
5. At stop signs, it’s not always your turn.
6. Raise your children outside of your moving vehicle.
7. Everyone else in a car also sees the shoulder and realizes we could use it to cut to the front of merging traffic, but we don’t because it is extremely, extremely douchey and detrimental to the organized flow of traffic.
8. When parking, your car goes between the lines.
9. Wherever you’re going is still going to be there even if you drive safely.
10. That assistant producer you’re talking to on your bluetooth that you met last night at the club that you waited an hour and a half to get into also wants you to notice that the light has changed and GO!
Let’s use that list as a starting point. I know with a little effort and a lot of patience we can save a good portion of 3-Series, some 5-Series and a few M-Class drivers from becoming what the German refer to as a blvdesarschlochwichserficker. I’m sorry to say but by the time you get a 7-Series you are too far down the path of darkness to be saved.