BMW Drivers, Help Us Help You

Posted on July 17, 2009 by douglassarine

bmw
If you are a BMW driver, I would like to take a brief moment to let you know that EVERYONE HATES YOU. They don’t hate your car, they hate you. If you think you’re an exception, you’re wrong. If you drive a BMW, every single non-BMW driver on the road thinks you’re an asshole. And they’re right, you are. There is some dark magical force that immediately transforms anyone who acquires a Beemer into a complete and utter tool. But I’m an optimist. I believe people can change, even total raging jerkfaces. So, in a spirit of helpfulness, here are a few tips and thoughts you might want to consider so that potentially, someday, everyone won’t want to shoot you in the face all of the time.

1. There are other people driving on the road.
2. A German car does not give you diplomatic immunity from the laws of common decency.
3. Your car is an amazing performance vehicle; you are not an amazing performance driver.
4. All models of BMW come equipped with both a right and left turn signals.
5. At stop signs, it’s not always your turn.
6. Raise your children outside of your moving vehicle.
7. Everyone else in a car also sees the shoulder and realizes we could use it to cut to the front of merging traffic, but we don’t because it is extremely, extremely douchey and detrimental to the organized flow of traffic.
8. When parking, your car goes between the lines.
9. Wherever you’re going is still going to be there even if you drive safely.
10. That assistant producer you’re talking to on your bluetooth that you met last night at the club that you waited an hour and a half to get into also wants you to notice that the light has changed and GO!

Let’s use that list as a starting point. I know with a little effort and a lot of patience we can save a good portion of 3-Series, some 5-Series and a few M-Class drivers from becoming what the German refer to as a blvdesarschlochwichserficker. I’m sorry to say but by the time you get a 7-Series you are too far down the path of darkness to be saved.

Filed under: Thoughts | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Say Anything

Posted on May 25, 2009 by douglassarine

One of the more frustrating things while talking is being stuck for something to say. Or, even worse, experiencing what the French describe as L’esprit de l’escalier, spirit of the stairs, stairway wit. Thinking of the perfect thing to say after you’ve left the perfect moment to say it. Very few humans have the natural ability to turn a phrase in the moment with wit, poise and nonjerkfacedness. I suppose about the same percentages as those who can run a marathon every day or wear bolo ties without looking like a tool. Notable examples of flawless speakers are folks like Jesus, Benjamin Franklin and people from England. But, for the rest of us, we will always be plagued by moments in which we ‘got nothing.’ In attempt to ease the pain of these situations I would like to offer five phrases that can be used as a response to absolutely anything that is said to you.

1. That’s what she said.
2. I got your __________, right here.
3. If you know what I mean.
4. You’re a ________________ .
5. Excuse me, I really have to pee.

Filed under: Thoughts | 1 Comment »

A New Hope

Posted on April 2, 2009 by douglassarine

The single most destructive force in our modern world is organized religion. Fabricated origin stories were a functional, but not necessarily requisite, aid to the formation of early civilizations. As our general understanding of science has improved and our ability to process logical thought has evolved we have had less and less use for fiction to explain our lives. Religion has become a lazy exercise in denial and a massive and entrenched device for the spread of cruelty and ignorance. Our frontal lobes are begging us as a species to embrace the truths, of both our awkward shared history and the harsh realities of our current state, so that we might endure. Reason provides the only possible salvation for humankind. Only by depending on our rational arguments for agreement can we create a sustainable reality. A reality where only our best attempts at empirical concepts are incorporated into the rules and social norms of our civilization. Personally, I enjoy fiction for entertainment, but using it as a basis for the laws and policies of a society is unconscionable. The willful corruption of the efforts to define existence by our honest means of perception is sadistic, pitiless and abusive. We are amazing creatures with dynamic senses and potent imaginations. Let us truly work in human concert to discover and embrace the knowledge and wisdom of our authentic reality.

Filed under: Thoughts | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Family Postal

Posted on January 7, 2009 by douglassarine

I have entirely too many postcards in my possession. Post cards usually purchased during travel to share my journey with friends and family who have the horrible misfortune (London) or joyous fortune (a different day in London) not to be with me. Therefore, I felt a surge of guilt shoot through my whatever when upon finishing a half-assed room clean I had piled up an obscene number of purchased but unsent postcards. So, they must go. My aunt Sherry was nice enough to email around a relatively comprehensive family contact sheet. I have a booklet of postcards from the Duchamp/Manray/Picabia exhibit I saw in London (+,-) last Spring. My family gave me a book called The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, for Christmas.

Guess what. I’m putting my three hands together and sending a quote on a card to each family address I’ve got. Random? Maybe, but I’ve got to start somewhere.

Filed under: Thoughts, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

« Previous Page
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.