If you are a BMW driver, I would like to take a brief moment to let you know that EVERYONE HATES YOU. They don’t hate your car, they hate you. If you think you’re an exception, you’re wrong. If you drive a BMW, every single non-BMW driver on the road thinks you’re an asshole. And they’re right, you are. There is some dark magical force that immediately transforms anyone who acquires a Beemer into a complete and utter tool. But I’m an optimist. I believe people can change, even total raging jerkfaces. So, in a spirit of helpfulness, here are a few tips and thoughts you might want to consider so that potentially, someday, everyone won’t want to shoot you in the face all of the time.
1. There are other people driving on the road.
2. A German car does not give you diplomatic immunity from the laws of common decency.
3. Your car is an amazing performance vehicle; you are not an amazing performance driver.
4. All models of BMW come equipped with both a right and left turn signals.
5. At stop signs, it’s not always your turn.
6. Raise your children outside of your moving vehicle.
7. Everyone else in a car also sees the shoulder and realizes we could use it to cut to the front of merging traffic, but we don’t because it is extremely, extremely douchey and detrimental to the organized flow of traffic.
8. When parking, your car goes between the lines.
9. Wherever you’re going is still going to be there even if you drive safely.
10. That assistant producer you’re talking to on your bluetooth that you met last night at the club that you waited an hour and a half to get into also wants you to notice that the light has changed and GO!
Let’s use that list as a starting point. I know with a little effort and a lot of patience we can save a good portion of 3-Series, some 5-Series and a few M-Class drivers from becoming what the German refer to as a blvdesarschlochwichserficker. I’m sorry to say but by the time you get a 7-Series you are too far down the path of darkness to be saved.